freedom to believe & doubt
- Marvello V
- Jan 31, 2021
- 3 min read
“Alcoholics Anonymous gives the freedom to believe and to doubt as much as I need to.”
The Big Book, p. 374.
This statement sounds like a good slogan for AA. When you’re in recovery you need the freedom to believe and doubt as much as you need to. It’s the only way to reconcile what you’ve gone through with where you are right now and where you’re headed.
Last year, I spent a lot of time studying the idea that time, space, and thought are all the same thing. My line of study led me to learn about physics and how creation is based on gravity and chemical reactions that produce life. I also learned how our mind may not reside in our physical brain, but in a realm we can’t identify but only tune into like a radio tunes into a signal—each of us “tunes in” to certain frequencies where our memories also reside. Then finally, I investigated the idea that spirituality may just be a concoction of the human mind in order to cope with the challenges and disappointments of life.
All this study was definitely insightful, but it also led me to doubt my beliefs that God was real. I started thinking that maybe the idea of God was really fake and I was fooling myself into believing something that wasn’t even real. It could be that I bought into the idea of God because so many others believe it too. So, I started asking myself why I even believe in a god from the bible?
I asked a respected friend and fellow theologian what made him come to believe. And he reminded me of the story of Lee Strobel (here’s a testimony of Strobel’s story) who was a devoted atheist but became a Christian after extensive investigation into the idea of Christ. Strobel’s story reminded me that my personal belief in God was not unfounded. But, I had to go through a period of questioning my beliefs because I don’t want to be a person who believes something “just because.”
Here’s an excerpt from my August 27, 2020 journal entry on why I question my own beliefs:
“And it’s okay to do that. I think it’s mentally healthy to question your own belief systems from time to time. We can get stagnant in the way we view ourselves, others, and the world when we remain dedicated to our worldview. I personally don’t want to be “stuck in my ways”. I want to see the world with fresh eyes and an open mind. So much in this world to learn, to experience, to feel. If I keep thinking that my way is the way I’ll become an old crusty person. And I’m not down for that.”
I stated earlier that my personal belief in God was not unfounded. It’s my personal experience with God that led me to believe in Him. It wasn’t just indoctrination and me trying to find a reason for life. It’s the day I quit smoking weed and doing drugs when I heard a voice in my head as clear as day, “Now that you know the truth you don’t have to do drugs anymore.” That night I burned all my drug paraphernalia. A couple of months later, I stopped drinking alcohol. And later this year, I get to celebrate 20 years clean and sober—no smoking, no drugs, no alcohol.
My sobriety is a direct result of me accepting and believing in God and learning that His love is what heals. As I started learning more about God, I discovered that His wisdom can also guide me to my personal prosperity. And I’m not talking just money, but relationships, health, and purpose. Finally, it’s in my own heart that I’m convinced about the existence of God. I don’t need a book to tell me He’s real. I know it in my heart because I’ve experienced God in my life. And that makes Him very real to me.
All of this concludes on this reminder: it’s okay to doubt your beliefs from time to time, just don’t get stuck in your doubt. Find your way to back to what you’ve found to be true over and over again. That’s when you know you believe what you believe not because of what others have told you to believe, but because you know it without a doubt.
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