I was woken up by a voice in my ear this morning. I felt someone really close to me and I asked “what are you going to do today”, and the voice whispered in my ear "I'm going back to bed because I'm sad". And then my eyes opened and my alarm went off.
I've been having weird experiences this week. It started when I was with my sisters on Sunday. At breakfast I was talking to them and I was watching myself. I was laughing and talking but I wasn't really there. I was just going through the motions and I felt sad.
The other day when I was driving, I felt that I was going to get hit by a car. I could hear the crash in my head. It was loud and scary.
Then this morning, the voice....
I have been feeling off these past three weeks, my depression has been intense but manageable, if that makes sense. But just this week, I have experienced all these strange things. I keep seeing myself.
Then I found a letter from my husband last night on my bathroom counter, where he normally leaves things for me to find; he is sweet like that. The letter was about my laugh.
I told him out of all the things you have ever written to me, this one is the most special and I needed it at that very moment. I laugh a lot but am I really in the moment? I think I am but am I?
I watch a show called A Million Little Things, and in the last episode I watched (sorry if this is a spoiler alert) Rome talked a young man off a ledge. This young man’s life has been turned upside down by lies and he didn’t know what else to do. He suffered depression all his life and thought he figured out why, but he didn’t. So the only thing he could do was to get up on top of that ledge and want to end his life. But his friend got on that ledge with him and told him that he was in this same place a year ago and wanted to end his life too. He ended up helping him off the ledge, they hugged, and he told him, I got you, I got you, he repeated that over and over.
I’m sharing this TV show because everyone needs someone like Rome in their life. All of us need just one person in our life that understands, that one person that will stand on the ledge with you and help you down. I know it’s difficult sometimes to find that one person that understands you, someone that you may not even need to say a word too that can look into your eyes and just know. So please reach out to someone, to a hotline, to a friend, to a family member, even if you think they won’t understand, because we don’t know what they have going on in their life and they may understand you. And if they don’t that’s ok, find that next person, don’t give up.
I have been on that ledge many times and I didn’t think anybody understood, but my dad did. My Dad understood, my dad knew what I was feeling and I didn’t even have to say a word. He passed away about six years ago and then I needed to find my person again, it was a difficult thing to do, but I did it. I have friends that know what I feel like even when I can’t explain it, I have a husband that I can share with even though he doesn’t understand it completely. I help him understand. I have kids that I’m real with, just in case they understand. You just never know. Find them, reach out no matter how difficult it may be. Now is the time, don’t wait, let someone in so they can help you off that ledge.
There is a song called Bones by Marin Morse that talks about our bones being our foundation. When our foundation is solid anything that comes our way will not break us. To find this, you need to start with the one who truly knows exactly what you are feeling, and God is His name. He will bring people into your life that will get you. Trust me, He has given me people. Will I stop feeling this way completely? No. But I am going to keep working for that strong foundation so it gets easier to manage. I want my bones to be unbreakable. Let’s go get it together.
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