For years I kept my depression to myself. One because I didn’t know what it was and two once I figured it out, it was so hard to explain. It’s hard to explain to someone what you’re feeling when you don’t even know yourself, but I had to do something to take back control of my life.
I was so tired of having to wear these masks all the time. A mask of, I’m smiling today, a mask of, it’s good to see you today, a mask of I’m so happy today. It got so tiring which then made me more depressed.
I told my husband that I think I have depression. This a few years ago and he didn’t understand. His first question was, what do you have to be depressed about? You have a good life, a good husband, great kids, awesome grandkids, and basically everything you need. Are you not grateful to God for what you have? (I know he sounds like a jerk, but he really isn’t he just didn’t understand).
Depression is not about being ungrateful for what I have because I am so grateful for what I have and I am humbled every day for what God has given me, so it has nothing to do with that. So my husband and I struggled for a little while with it. We had fights and there wasn’t really anything I could do because I didn’t know how to make him understand. So if he wasn’t going to listen to me, then I had to do something else because I was tired of fighting about my feelings.
So I decided to start sending him articles, he loves to read and learn new things, so I told myself this had to get through. I would send him articles about what depression is and what others are going through. He opened his heart and his mind and had to realize that my depression had nothing to do with him. I think that was the hardest part for him. He thought there was something wrong with our marriage or something wrong with him, when it had nothing to do with him. It was all about me. That’s hard for any marriage or anyone. So part of my feeling was why did I even talk to him about it because he’s never going to understand me. But I stuck with it, because I knew that there had to be a way for us both to understand.
I got professional help and I was prescribed antidepressants and they gave me headaches so I stopped taking them. Then I went back and they gave me another antidepressant, which wasn’t strong enough so they didn’t do me anything for me. It took a while to figure it all out. I still have my days but I am learning to control it, not it controlling me.
So basically what I’m saying is, you need to find someone that you can talk to even if you don’t think they’re going to understand.
If it’s not your loved one because you’re not ready, find someone. But sometimes it’s that person that you don’t think is going to understand that actually does or eventually will.
Your parents, your wife/husband, sister/brother, someone in your life. Tell your doctor, call a hotline, tell a stranger that you meet at a coffee shop. But it has to be someone, you can’t do it alone.
Reach out it’s time to talk.
Love will always win.
Comments