“They say the past always catches up with you, sooner or later. I prefer sooner, because by the time later rolls around, the past has picked up a lot of speed.” ―Dan Thompson, Ships of My Fathers
I recently experienced something I may or may not have done more than 20 years ago catch up with me. It had to do with a loved one who’s personal safety was jeopardized because of my addiction and self-absorption. I won’t get into the specifics, but they shared with me an emotional hurt they’ve been carrying for 20 years and it may have been my fault that it happened.
I keep stating “may or may not” and “may have been my fault” because I was assured by those closest to me that the situation may have happened even if I wasn’t an addict at the time. But they also agreed, it still didn’t make it right. And I personally wasn’t comforted by the truth of their perspective. I wanted to hurt and remember that I allowed my own self-absorption and addiction keep me from being more attentive and mindful of my loved one’s safety. I allowed people into my life that were also lost and making poor decisions. Even knowing I was a different person back then doesn’t comfort me. It just angered me.
I’m 52-years old, and the circumstance happened when I was around 32-years old. Me right now, at 52-years old, would not accept the stupid behavior of my 32-year old self. I was mad at 32-year old me! Pissed at him for allowing himself to be blinded by his selfishness and addiction. But God’s love calls me to accept and forgive. Even my own failures have to be forgiven.
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
1 John 1:9, English Standard Version.
I’ve had some time to process the truth that was revealed to me. But the day I learned the truth was painful. I felt like I was back 20 years ago…broken…mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. In the 19 years of my sobriety, I’ve made immense strides in the mental, emotional, and spiritual areas of life. I’m more self-aware today than I’ve ever been, recognizing that every choice I make rings out to the future in ways I can’t even imagine. I’m sharing this with you, so you can consider how the choices you make today may come back to haunt you 20 or more years later. And if you’re clean and sober now, you may have to come face-to-face with a poor choice you made long before you became clean and sober. It’s not an easy thing to accept.
Fortunately, I have God in my life and people whose love allowed me to process my self-anger on my own time. No one tried to force me to accept. There was concern that I might fall back into using again, and that’s one of the sad truths of addiction. No matter how long we’ve been clean and sober, the addiction lingers around us ready to pounce back and take over. I’m choosing to not let that happen. I refocused on God’s love and remembered all the amazing things He’s taught me. And I was also reminded that my sobriety no longer belongs to me. It belongs to my family, to others I might share my story with. My sobriety belongs to the stranger who reads my words or hears my stories and realizes they can overcome their own addiction. I’m thankful for this. And I’m honored to be part of God’s journey through life.
Yorumlar