“Here I found an ingredient that had been lacking in any other effort I had made to save myself. Here was—power! Here was power to live to the end of any given day, power to have the courage to face the next day, power to have friends, power to help people, power to be sane, power to stay sober. …What is this power? With my A.A. friends, all I can say is that it’s a Power greater than myself. If pressed, all I can do is follow the psalmist who said it long before me: “Be still, and know that I am God.”
Quoted from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, Me An Alcoholic? chapter, pp. 386-387.
I remember thinking I had the power to stop doing drugs and drinking alcohol. I’d tell myself that I only had a problem with smoking weed so I’ll just stop that, then ended up drinking alcohol more. Then I told myself, okay, that’s not working so I better stop drinking alcohol too. I ended up doing other drugs more: ecstasy, mushrooms, acid. Even though I may have been healing my lungs from not smoking, I was still getting high from drugs or alcohol. This mental merry go round went on for a few more years.
The year my youngest brother got married to the woman he knew for three years, I looked at my own relationship of nine years and wanted some counseling. I insisted that my son’s mom and I get couple counseling and after several sessions what resulted was the decision to end our relationship. We weren’t married, there was too much history to work through, and we weren’t suited for each other. As we ended the counseling session, the counselor asked me if there was anything I wanted to say to my son’s mom and I asked if she had a lover. The year before, I spent months trying to catch her with her lover, but never did, but my suspicions were strong. She said no and I accused her of lying and the counselor reminded me that we have to accept what she says at face value.
We left the counseling session and I was going to stop at the store to get some beer to go with my stash of weed at home. I received a call from my counselor asking me to come home right away, she was a friend of the family so knew where I lived. When I arrived my son’s mom was at the house with the counselor. The counselor announced that we were there because my son’s mom had something to share with me. She told me the truth about having a lover and I remember hearing a voice in my head say, “Now that you know the truth, you don’t have to do drugs anymore.” And for whatever reason, I took it to heart.
Later that night, I took all my drug paraphernalia and burned it in an outdoor fireplace. I wanted to be done with using drugs, but I told myself I don’t have a problem with alcohol so I can keep doing that. A few months later, I was drinking alcohol with my brother and realized that I could black out one day and I might end up using drugs. If you’ve never blacked out, you’re doing things but are completely unaware of what you’re doing. Drinking too much alcohol had that effect on me and I knew I could be around family or friends that were using drugs and I would never know I’m doing it during one of my blackouts. Then, that same voice spoke to me saying, “Give me 1-year clean and sober. You can always go back if nothing changes.”
I didn’t know back then the “voice” I heard was the Holy Spirit speaking to me. It felt more like a good idea that sprung into my mind, but the voice sounded so clear. Later, as I learned more about what it means to follow God, to pray, and to listen to the promptings of the Holy Spirit did I figure out it was God speaking to me during those moments. He’s the one that led me to my sobriety. And I’m proud to celebrate 20 years of sobriety later this year. I’ve been fortunate to not relapse. Once I started my sobriety I kept going.
Today, part of my testimony is acknowledging the power of God in my life. God is the one that helps me stay clean and sober. I choose His Love over my selfishness which helps me to not use drugs or alcohol. I consider God my source of power.
One of the dictionary definitions of power is energy or force. I consider God a force of energy and He’s always working through people’s hearts. Each of us can tap into the energy of God through the power of choice. That’s our true power—the power to choose. If you’re a recovering addict your choices are simple: use or not use; sobriety or drunkenness/drug use. It’s really that simple. Yes, I understand there are other dynamics that influence our choices: emotions, mental stability, perspective, temptation. But it’s easy to make excuses to use. That’s the easy part. The hard part is choosing sobriety and choosing it all the time. But, the power to choose is always within you.
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